Retained

Some people, and the memories that go with them, are like a large body of water in a dam.  Sometimes that dam is just waiting to burst.

Waiting to drown me.

Waiting to wash away everything I worked so hard to build on the other side of the wall.

Waiting to shut out the world because when the water washes over me I can't breath, or see, or think.  I can only float, helpless, carried by the memories and the joy and the pain and every damned thing that was supposed to stay...dammed. :-p

How does the dam burst? 

First little pieces of it fall away.  A song...a smell...walking past a familiar spot that once held so much joy.  Chip..chink...the pieces fall and float towards me...

"No...stay away..please don't come back.."

The water starts to drip..then trickle.  What was the last conversation we had in that spot?  What did I feel as the goodbye touch caressed my skin?  The water flows faster as the entire scene replays in my head...

"God, I miss you..and hate you...please, please go away.."

And by that point, there's no stopping the water.  I'm helpless as it wills itself against my pleas to be left in peace.  The geysers burst and the pieces fall and I will be carried in the waves until they have run their course.  I will be tossed and bruised by the crashing memories of our words and looks and actions as they batter their watery fierceness against my being.

Eventually, the water will drain away.  The effect of those memories will seep away into so many little corners and inlets.  Soaked and exhausted, I pick myself up.  Then I'll rebuild the dam.  I'll hole up my heart and pray to be stronger, to care less, to swim faster next time.