11 Months

It has been almost a year that you have been gone.  It's become apparent that various people who mourn you have varying views about what capacity in which you are "gone".  I respect each and every one of those views.  But for me personally, my heart aches at every thought of you because everything I've ever believed tells me I may never see you again.

Yet I sit here in the place where my mind's eye last "saw" you, writing with relief as if you can read this.  Working as I am on my latest theatre project, this is such a bittersweet time to be missing you.  I remember an occasion downtown a few year ago; after I saw you in one of your brilliant roles we walked past Centerstage.  I said, You'll work there one day!  And you replied, "Hey, you will too!"  Well Tim, I am making an entry into professional theatre.  I think you would like knowing that.

Sometimes I feel so guilty for missing you as much as I do.  Too guilty to find relief in talking about it with anyone.  I think the guilt stems partly from the months that would go by without seeing or speaking to each other, except to pass you on campus and say "How are you? We need to do lunch!"  Yet no matter how much time passed between those lunch dates, our conversation would pick back up on the same plane on which we left them...the sign of a true friend and a generous, kind mind.  You had such a small circle that I suppose I also doubt my "right" to still be grieving for you. I can't put into words why this is haunting me; other than that it could have been, should have been, so different.  It's easy for me to say that though.  I wasn't living as you.  I didn't have to make the decisions that tormented you alone.  You had the right to those, I suppose.  Though the decision you made feels very unfair, both to us and yourself.

I think that I am just rambling now, yet fittingly so.  Grief doesn't have structure, Tim.  I think you liked structure.  I think I do to.  I think you and your decision haunts me because I can't explain it, put it in a box, and put it on a shelf.

Maybe I'm taking a risk by sharing these thoughts with you.  And by saying "you", I know I am no longer talking to just Tim, but to anyone else who may need to read this.  To anyone who cannot put the grief they feel over an inexplicable loss on to a shelf; safe and tidy forever.  Life is not tidy.  I wish God had helped Tim see that it was okay that life is not tidy.  Sometime life is a mess that pains you at every turn.  So go ahead and reach out for a hand that will help you around the turn.  Otherwise they may stand, hand outstretched forever, grieving the emptiness.

Cathedral Gazing

Credit: Me. 5/13

I simply love walking by this church whenever I'm commuting in downtown Baltimore.  This is Corpus Christi on Mt Royal Avenue (Bolton Hill neighborhood, for the detailed-oriented among you).  When I happen to catch its bell toll, it's like an extra special morning welcome.  I've had the pleasure of being inside the church twice (briefly for performances as part of Artscape).  I'm not Catholic, but their taste in architecture has an undeniable ability to inspire reverence (in my humble opinion).

Today there was a lift outside the church for window washing.  I stopped to watch for a moment, thinking that on this slightly warm and cloudless summer morning, I would love to trade jobs with that window washer.  For a few moments to be a part of caring and preserving for something sacred; for a place that is art unto itself.

Maybe I'm just a romantic, but it was a nice daydream to start my day off with.

#bestvacation2013

I am really too excited to sleep. We plan to leave for New England in under six hours. Snuggled under the covers in anticipation of some pre-road trip rest I said, "I'm not sure what I love more; New England or the Magic Kingdom. But I think New England."

Here's looking forward to some shut eye followed by a sunny and safe trip north! 

Old Habits With New Reason

"God has promised forgiveness to your repentance, but He has not promised tomorrow to your procrastination." -St. Augustine

That's a pretty heavy thought to go to sleep on! I've been struggling with goals, productivity, and procrastination lately. No matter how enriching the excitement of a new life, a new home, and my wonderful partner are old habits die hard. Happy to say, bit by bit I'm tackling the things that daunt me and checking off both a mental and physical "To Do" list. What could have been a wasted Saturday was a reasonably productive but relaxing day, and I'm about to drift off to dreamland surrounded by tangible progress of my goals. 

Independence Weekend

I'm winding down this Sunday eve from a low key  weekend at home (sort of) with Hubs. The gift of Independence Day being on a Thursday and the theatre also being closed Friday meant four lovely days of projects and leisure for us. I've come to the end of it surrounded by a reasonably clean house, rambunctious kitties, and various boxes and possessions we retrieved from my parent's house. Coming up on our six month wedding anniversary I figured it was high time I finished moving out! (I'm still not technically finished. We borrowed a van and maxed it to capacity with my priority items.) We also spent the weekend with excellent company in a variety of settings; my family on the 4th with a grilled steak dinner, his family yesterday with birthday cake and gifts for our niece, and a visit filled with a few drinks, cigars (for the guys), and good conversation with one of our best friends. As if all of this wasn't enough to do, we traded in our only car this weekend and acquired a serious and needed upgrade (used yet awesome). This morning the children's choir I've spent the past several months working with performed for the last time until the fall session, and with a few of them graduating it was thrilling to see them do so well. 

After a long period of blogging silence I choose to ramble all this off to you as a means of saying, I am very blessed by the things and people in my life. I'm not sure I really knew what married life would be like, but I have not regretted or wanted to change a moment of it since it began. And no, every day is not like those of this weekend. It was an oasis; a productive time of reflection in the full and fruitful time we're living. 

Blurbs Pictured

While it's certainly daunting to find the words to share the past five or so months as a newlywed with you, I have pictured here some highlights. Our lovely home we have the pleasure of caring for, my mischievous husband I have the blessing of loving, and the two cuties we adopted.  Factor in my work as administrative support to the children's program at our church and my growing involvement at Everyman Theatre, and the results are exciting and very full days.  To be continued.  

Blurbs Turned Bride

 On January 20th I married my favourite blogger!  Now I am figuring out life as a wedded woman, and enjoying every moment.  Married adventures and a return to regular Blurb blogging will [hopefully] debut soon!

 The gorgeous photography was by the wonderful Joel Ready of Ready Media. Location was Notre Dame of Maryland University, in the beautiful Marikle Chapel of the Annunciation.