a week-long blur

This past week was incredibly busy. I think I got a lot done, but it all ran together. I've been pouring a lot of time into the play and the club, and both have been bringing A LOT of stress. One of the things I hate most is the feeling of not being able to count on someone, and I've been experiencing a lot of that lately. To balance it however, I've been growing closer to other people who make me laugh and encourage me and are making this time in my life a memorable one.

I visited the doctor again, and found that I have an infection in my leg. Frustrating, but a relief to find out and be taking something to heal it. It's the source of the eczema I've been dealing with. Also my liver and immune system is really weak right now, and my doctor is working on strengthening so that things like the infection won't happen again. My health has been a serious source of distraction and stress lately. I think it's been a few weeks now since I slept all the way through the night, because the pain or itching in my foot and leg keeps me awake.

My classes are stressing me. Last semester I was the student who never missed a deadline or a class and got mad at a low grade. I'm slowly accepting that I'm in college now with lots of demands in my life, and accepting that things can't be perfect all the time. Something's just got to give, and unfortunately this week it was my school work. I skipped a math class where I was supposed to have a quiz because I knew I would flunk it anyway. I didn't do a small project for acting class, and was an hour late to that class on Wednesday. I had an English paper due on Thursday, and made the decision to turn it in late next week because I knew if I wrote it in a rush it would be crap. This is so uncharacteristic of me. One week won't make a difference, but I'm in the Honors program and my parents paid for my classes this semester, so I can't afford to continue slacking off. One positive note, I finally got approval for work study, which means I can get an on-campus job. That will be so convenient for me! The hourly pay is less than what I'm used to, but the hours would equal more than what I get now due to my schedule. I'm visiting the career center on Monday to hopefully find a department and position.

I'm living in a blur. I'm confused and sad and excited and happy and empty and full. My brain hurts from thinking and my heart hurts from feeling. It's a good kind of hurt though- the kind that tells me I'm alive and living.

I'm sorry I'm not myself. Actually, I'm not sorry. if I was "myself" all the time it would probably mean I wasn't growing. I realized recently the reason why I've had so much trouble accepting myself and my life. I had the unconscious expectation that I would go on living as exactly the same person and slowly become a better, more mature, accomplished version of myself. Turns out it doesn't work like that. We can't stay the same. We learn, grow, adapt, and change. As long as the person I'm becoming knows how to love and to live an honorable life, I think I'll be ok.

Questions & Lyrics

I've been struggling with a thought/question lately, and yesterday one of my favourite songs further spurred my musings...

In "Fix You" by Coldplay there are these lines:
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

The bolded part makes me ask, does love go "to waste"? How could it be wasted that you loved something you lost? We all lose everything in this life eventually...so should we regret that we poured ourselves into something lost? If that were so, we can't love or even live at all.

But my burning and original question is this: If you feel that you no longer love someone, does that mean you never really loved them at all? Was that "love" just wasted time, effort, and emotion on both sides?

I'm confused. But whatever the answer is, everything I ever gave myself to has made who I am as a person, and I wouldn't change any of it.

Spring Break recap!

It's not over yet so I can't recap it yet, but I can summarize thus far....

Friday-City on the Hill staff meeting. Less than four months until the conference and so much to do! With my free time this week I've been at the office a little more- thankful for the hours and for getting the ball rolling on some promotional work.
Saturday- Got my hair cut, then hit the mall with Amanda (friend from acting class/the play) and engaged in some girly shopping therapy. ;)
Sunday- John and I enjoyed the gorgeous weather by driving around and walking in the state park. Even though the park is still really close to everything, it reminded me of how theraputic it is to be away from stores and streets and soak up sun and nature. I definitely need more of that.
Monday- worked and chilled at home i think..
Tuesday- DYED MY HAIR! *See pictures* Shannon and I picked out the color and then we dyed it outside...it was a bit of a chilly day *understatement* so that was an interesting process. I washed and dried it, freaked out for a second, let her style it, and then loved it! :) That evening Anderson, John, and I went to Columbia mall; I love that mall! Those two are the first men I've enjoyed clothes shopping with, haha. We took pictures and were our general crazy selves. :)
Wednesday- slept in and laid around..yay
Thursday- worked, then up to PA for doctor appt, dinner, and visiting the Murrays. Good stuff. The doctor visit was pretty positive. I have made so much progress since he started treating me a year ago..my appetite and energy and other issues are like a different person. The only frustrating thing is, I am really having trouble with eczema right now. With the warmer weather/skirt wearing time here, I'm hoping it heals up soon! :-/
Friday- slept in again and then went to work. This evening I've been tackling some chores and staring at the to-do list I made for myself last weekend....I have until Tuesday to finish...

:-* Happy Easter!

Reasons to Smile

~Spring break is here!

~I got a hair cut.

~I got some pretty things at the mall today.

~I'm almost over my cold/losing my voice. I coughed up the weirdest ball of yellow and brown goop earlier!

-This has been a nice weekend so far, making up for a very rough week. *crosses fingers for good tomorrow*

lol, that's all I've got for now. Enjoy the lovely weekend!