a week-long blur

This past week was incredibly busy. I think I got a lot done, but it all ran together. I've been pouring a lot of time into the play and the club, and both have been bringing A LOT of stress. One of the things I hate most is the feeling of not being able to count on someone, and I've been experiencing a lot of that lately. To balance it however, I've been growing closer to other people who make me laugh and encourage me and are making this time in my life a memorable one.

I visited the doctor again, and found that I have an infection in my leg. Frustrating, but a relief to find out and be taking something to heal it. It's the source of the eczema I've been dealing with. Also my liver and immune system is really weak right now, and my doctor is working on strengthening so that things like the infection won't happen again. My health has been a serious source of distraction and stress lately. I think it's been a few weeks now since I slept all the way through the night, because the pain or itching in my foot and leg keeps me awake.

My classes are stressing me. Last semester I was the student who never missed a deadline or a class and got mad at a low grade. I'm slowly accepting that I'm in college now with lots of demands in my life, and accepting that things can't be perfect all the time. Something's just got to give, and unfortunately this week it was my school work. I skipped a math class where I was supposed to have a quiz because I knew I would flunk it anyway. I didn't do a small project for acting class, and was an hour late to that class on Wednesday. I had an English paper due on Thursday, and made the decision to turn it in late next week because I knew if I wrote it in a rush it would be crap. This is so uncharacteristic of me. One week won't make a difference, but I'm in the Honors program and my parents paid for my classes this semester, so I can't afford to continue slacking off. One positive note, I finally got approval for work study, which means I can get an on-campus job. That will be so convenient for me! The hourly pay is less than what I'm used to, but the hours would equal more than what I get now due to my schedule. I'm visiting the career center on Monday to hopefully find a department and position.

I'm living in a blur. I'm confused and sad and excited and happy and empty and full. My brain hurts from thinking and my heart hurts from feeling. It's a good kind of hurt though- the kind that tells me I'm alive and living.

I'm sorry I'm not myself. Actually, I'm not sorry. if I was "myself" all the time it would probably mean I wasn't growing. I realized recently the reason why I've had so much trouble accepting myself and my life. I had the unconscious expectation that I would go on living as exactly the same person and slowly become a better, more mature, accomplished version of myself. Turns out it doesn't work like that. We can't stay the same. We learn, grow, adapt, and change. As long as the person I'm becoming knows how to love and to live an honorable life, I think I'll be ok.