This song is one of my favourites, and it fits my current mood. Plus, this video is kinda epic.
May 30, 2010
May 29, 2010
Through The Music
I enjoy the musical "Wicked" because I can listen to it no matter what mood I am in. It has tended to my spirit when I have been at various times excited, heartbroken, and content.
Tonight the line "My road of good intentions led where such roads always lead" (from the song No Good Deed) struck me. It describes the time I'm going through, in which my pride, past and current decisions, dreams, and illusions are all being challenged, broken, and reorganized.
"One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention:
Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?"
I'm glad God created music to help us say the things we do not understand. Do you have a song or other art form that helps you express things you cannot otherwise?
Tonight the line "My road of good intentions led where such roads always lead" (from the song No Good Deed) struck me. It describes the time I'm going through, in which my pride, past and current decisions, dreams, and illusions are all being challenged, broken, and reorganized.
"One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention:
Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?"
I'm glad God created music to help us say the things we do not understand. Do you have a song or other art form that helps you express things you cannot otherwise?
May 28, 2010
My Lunch Lady
At school there works at the cafeteria's sandwich counter a grandmotherly lady we call Ms Jean. She expects the people who come to her counter to speak clearly and politely, and if you do so, she is nice to you. If you thank her for the sandwiches she skillfully prepares and wish her a nice day, she will probably remember you. I do all of the above, and hence my relationship with Ms Jean over the past two years has been quite a pleasant though not deeply personal one.
When I came back from spring break this semester, I didn't have cause to go to Ms Jean's counter because I knew it was likely she didn't serve much my wheat, diary, and egg-hating body could safely consume. I know she sees countless numbers of students and faculty on a daily basis, so while I didn't think it was much to her, I did miss exchanging how-do-you-do's with the cafeteria's friendliest face. A few weeks ago, I went to her counter simply to say hello and was shocked when she greeted me with a semi-concerned smile, and asked where I had been and if I was alright! I explained about my allergies and the absence of bread from my diet, and she seemed sad for me and suggested that I might be able to have the spinach or basil wraps instead of regular bread. I was delighted at that idea, and sure enough, the next week she had inquired about the ingredients, and prepared for me a yummy deli masterpiece on a spinach wrap.
Today I was looking forward to buying lunch and visited Ms Jean once again. As soon as she saw me, she told me she had read the ingredient labels on the most recent shipment of sandwich wraps and they did, contrary to our belief, have wheat flour in them. I was as much dissapointed at once again being deprived of a favourite food as I was touched that this dear lady who has no cause or obligation to remember the needs of an individual student would spend time reading ingredient labels with me in mind! She asked if a salad sounded good, and offered to prepare me one, but today I REALLY wanted meatballs. She dished out a plate of meatballs for me with a smile, and then when I picked up a bag of corn chips, inquired if I was sure they didn't contain the forbidden ingredient. Her thoughtfulness was a soothing balm for my on-going frustrating quest to eat safely.
May God bless my lunch lady. <3
When I came back from spring break this semester, I didn't have cause to go to Ms Jean's counter because I knew it was likely she didn't serve much my wheat, diary, and egg-hating body could safely consume. I know she sees countless numbers of students and faculty on a daily basis, so while I didn't think it was much to her, I did miss exchanging how-do-you-do's with the cafeteria's friendliest face. A few weeks ago, I went to her counter simply to say hello and was shocked when she greeted me with a semi-concerned smile, and asked where I had been and if I was alright! I explained about my allergies and the absence of bread from my diet, and she seemed sad for me and suggested that I might be able to have the spinach or basil wraps instead of regular bread. I was delighted at that idea, and sure enough, the next week she had inquired about the ingredients, and prepared for me a yummy deli masterpiece on a spinach wrap.
Today I was looking forward to buying lunch and visited Ms Jean once again. As soon as she saw me, she told me she had read the ingredient labels on the most recent shipment of sandwich wraps and they did, contrary to our belief, have wheat flour in them. I was as much dissapointed at once again being deprived of a favourite food as I was touched that this dear lady who has no cause or obligation to remember the needs of an individual student would spend time reading ingredient labels with me in mind! She asked if a salad sounded good, and offered to prepare me one, but today I REALLY wanted meatballs. She dished out a plate of meatballs for me with a smile, and then when I picked up a bag of corn chips, inquired if I was sure they didn't contain the forbidden ingredient. Her thoughtfulness was a soothing balm for my on-going frustrating quest to eat safely.
May God bless my lunch lady. <3
May 21, 2010
Wrapping Up Random Thoughts [School's Out]
I took my last exam and turned in my last paper today! I did so while hung-over on sleep aid :-p but I think I did fine on the exam. I then passed the afternoon by working on campus and reflecting a little on the past two years. I have two years of college behind me! I did some research on my degree progress thus far. If all goes perfectly, I could be two semesters away from an A.A in Humanities and Social Sciences, and one more semester to earn the Theatre concentration. After that, what? Working? University? Acting? Marriage? (;-p) I have no clue! But I already have my 2010 summer and fall classes picked out, and am anxious to keep working away.
Now that I'm free for a few weeks, there are some things I want to do!
Now that I'm free for a few weeks, there are some things I want to do!
- Tons of reading. Mostly lots of plays, as Tim and I are working on selecting our pieces for the Irene Ryan competition. I'm also currently reading A Purpose Driven Life and Nate lent me Techinical Theatre For Non-Technical People awhile ago and I haven't had time to read it.
- Journaling. I've missed this so much. This blog is a big help for destressing and working out my thoughts, but there are some things I just can't post on the internet!
- Get better. It's just as simple as I need time to sleep, work on my diet, and allow my body to heal from all the wear and tear of the past several months. I want to go back to school without having to hide how I look or feeling sore or uncomfortable.
- My "sister" Bethelle and I want to do some yoga once or twice a week. She recently started a blog, Girl In The Blue Scarf. Go show her some love!
- This is going to sound really weird, but I want to study biology on my own a little. Even though I passed my biology course this semester, I feel I rushed through it and won't retain a lot. The class had a great textbook and workbook that I didn't use much, so over the summer I intend to study it at my own pace and keep my memory prepped for future science courses.
- There is possibly a trip to Maine in the works! I'll keep you posted. :-)
- Organize my room. I did this during the blizzard, but clothes, boxes, and dust are piled up once again.
May 20, 2010
Clenched Hands Will Remain Empty
This morning I was blessed by this awesome quote posted by Heather in The Sunset Won't-
"'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
I bolded that first part to remind me that too often I want change in my life but I'm not willing to work for it. The past few days have been a time of significant reprioritizing in my life. Somedays it's hard to have hope that I will ever get through the physical and emotional trials I'm in the midst of. Ceasing to struggle in trials on my own power is a good first step.
P.S. I've realized that listening to too much A Fine Frenzy is a good sign that I'm trying to either get over or forget something. I've had the album One Cell In The Sea on repeat for awhile.
"'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
I bolded that first part to remind me that too often I want change in my life but I'm not willing to work for it. The past few days have been a time of significant reprioritizing in my life. Somedays it's hard to have hope that I will ever get through the physical and emotional trials I'm in the midst of. Ceasing to struggle in trials on my own power is a good first step.
P.S. I've realized that listening to too much A Fine Frenzy is a good sign that I'm trying to either get over or forget something. I've had the album One Cell In The Sea on repeat for awhile.
May 19, 2010
Characters
The semester is almost over!! One more paper to write and a culmative final (both for health) and I'll be free from spring 2010 classes!
Today I had finals in acting and voice. Voice went really well, and acting was not as good as I hoped, but still good. I was trying to recall today all the roles I have played this semester, either through scene work, plays, or small exercises. I know they include:
-musican
-roman soldier
-Judas Iscariot
-Christine, an Irish housewife
-Shelly, a sassy L.A.-born bartender
-Michael Jackson-obsessed fan
-a mythological Irish warrior
-Audrey Hepburn!
The last role on the list was my final project for acting class today. I presented a small report about her life, and then had to perform an original monologue. I'm really happy with the monologue, so I wanted to share it here. I wrote it from the point of view of Audrey when she had mostly retired from movies. Her charity work and raising her sons were her top priorities in life. The bolded words are actual Audrey quotes I found, and I built the rest of the monologue around them.
Sacrificing public life and my successful career for a fulfilling personal life doesn’t seem like much of a cost. I’ve danced and worked alongside the rich and famous, am rich and famous myself. I’ve won awards, and worn beautiful clothing. So many fans are so kind and adore me and try to emulate me. But as Holly Golightly said, “There are certain shades of limelight that can wreck a girl’s complexion!”
That’s why being famous doesn’t really matter; it shouldn’t define who you are. What does matter is falling in love and being loved. Being virtuous. Giving of one’s life to better another’s. That’s why I decided to work for UNICEF. I know what it’s like to be a child scared, hungry, and surrounded by terror. The children that I visit are those that many in the world have forgotten. The 'Third World' is a term I don't like very much, because we're all one world. I want people to know that the largest part of humanity is suffering.
I wish people understood that things that last are not what brings you fame, but what brings you peace, and love, and happiness. Those things will live longer than a feature film or necklace of diamonds. We cannot feed the world or change a life with just lots of money or fame. We will change the world with our good hearts and acts of kindness. In my travels to devastated countries I see but one glaring truth: these are not natural disasters but man-made tragedies for which there is only one man-made solution- peace.”
My other classmates had some really interesting pieces. We saw Helen Keller, Marshall Mathers, and Eleanor Roosevelt, just to name a few. Acting 2 is a class I will miss.
Today I had finals in acting and voice. Voice went really well, and acting was not as good as I hoped, but still good. I was trying to recall today all the roles I have played this semester, either through scene work, plays, or small exercises. I know they include:
-musican
-roman soldier
-Judas Iscariot
-Christine, an Irish housewife
-Shelly, a sassy L.A.-born bartender
-Michael Jackson-obsessed fan
-a mythological Irish warrior
-Audrey Hepburn!
The last role on the list was my final project for acting class today. I presented a small report about her life, and then had to perform an original monologue. I'm really happy with the monologue, so I wanted to share it here. I wrote it from the point of view of Audrey when she had mostly retired from movies. Her charity work and raising her sons were her top priorities in life. The bolded words are actual Audrey quotes I found, and I built the rest of the monologue around them.
Sacrificing public life and my successful career for a fulfilling personal life doesn’t seem like much of a cost. I’ve danced and worked alongside the rich and famous, am rich and famous myself. I’ve won awards, and worn beautiful clothing. So many fans are so kind and adore me and try to emulate me. But as Holly Golightly said, “There are certain shades of limelight that can wreck a girl’s complexion!”
That’s why being famous doesn’t really matter; it shouldn’t define who you are. What does matter is falling in love and being loved. Being virtuous. Giving of one’s life to better another’s. That’s why I decided to work for UNICEF. I know what it’s like to be a child scared, hungry, and surrounded by terror. The children that I visit are those that many in the world have forgotten. The 'Third World' is a term I don't like very much, because we're all one world. I want people to know that the largest part of humanity is suffering.
I wish people understood that things that last are not what brings you fame, but what brings you peace, and love, and happiness. Those things will live longer than a feature film or necklace of diamonds. We cannot feed the world or change a life with just lots of money or fame. We will change the world with our good hearts and acts of kindness. In my travels to devastated countries I see but one glaring truth: these are not natural disasters but man-made tragedies for which there is only one man-made solution- peace.”
My other classmates had some really interesting pieces. We saw Helen Keller, Marshall Mathers, and Eleanor Roosevelt, just to name a few. Acting 2 is a class I will miss.
May 17, 2010
An Era Ended
My time as "Madame President" of Barnstormers (my school's theatre club) is over. It's been a fun, frustrating, and fruitful three semesters! I had the honour of helping to orchestrate two successful productions, numerous social events, write a new club constitution, and build up our reputation with the student government and body. I am proud to hear us no longer referred to as a "student club", but a "student theatre".
I was so looking forward to handing my power over (hehe) but now that it actually happened and new board members have been elected, I'm feeling a little sad. I've realized it's hard for me to not be involved in some activity or responsibility at all times. Barely before one is ended, I'm off to find another to fill my time and utilize my abilities. I've already begun to do it this time, through involvement with our campus' chapter of Phi Theta Kappa.
I think that tendency comes from a couple different things. For one, I was not indulged in what I consider enough social involvement and developement when I was younger. In high school I was limited to church activities, and college opened up a new world of experience and opportunity for me. Secondly, I'm a creative and high-spirited person whom God has blessed with many interests and abilities, and I'm anxious to learn and explore all I'm capable of.
But mostly, I suspect the root of it is that I am not content to simply be. To be still. To be me. Me, as I see it, is best aligned with a title, another person, or an achievement. What am I without the prestige of a social position or a duty entrusted me by others? Maybe I don't know anymore.
I hope in the next semester to pursue my studies diligently, and be more concerned with Debbie as a person, than Debbie as a social entity.
I was so looking forward to handing my power over (hehe) but now that it actually happened and new board members have been elected, I'm feeling a little sad. I've realized it's hard for me to not be involved in some activity or responsibility at all times. Barely before one is ended, I'm off to find another to fill my time and utilize my abilities. I've already begun to do it this time, through involvement with our campus' chapter of Phi Theta Kappa.
I think that tendency comes from a couple different things. For one, I was not indulged in what I consider enough social involvement and developement when I was younger. In high school I was limited to church activities, and college opened up a new world of experience and opportunity for me. Secondly, I'm a creative and high-spirited person whom God has blessed with many interests and abilities, and I'm anxious to learn and explore all I'm capable of.
But mostly, I suspect the root of it is that I am not content to simply be. To be still. To be me. Me, as I see it, is best aligned with a title, another person, or an achievement. What am I without the prestige of a social position or a duty entrusted me by others? Maybe I don't know anymore.
I hope in the next semester to pursue my studies diligently, and be more concerned with Debbie as a person, than Debbie as a social entity.
May 16, 2010
Food and Supplement Reviews
Over the past several months, it's discouraging to think how much money and time I (and my parents) have spent on supplements, creams, foods, and doctor bills to get my eczema and food allergies until control. I read in a New York Times article that the financial and emotional burdens inflicted upon a family with a child suffering from eczema are more severe than that of a child with type 2 diabetes. I don't know much about the burden of diabetes, but I wouldn't argue that my health situation has been an overwhelming struggle.
Depressing situation aside, I have discovered some products and foods that are really helpful or enjoyable.
Foodwise, it's been a tough search for baked goods I'm allowed to have. Mara refers to my allergies as a "trifecta of cooking staples" (wheat, dairy, and egg). However, I have discovered two options that cheer me immensely! Brownie mix by Cherrybrook Kitchen tastes amazing, bakes moist, and is wheat, dairy, and egg-free! I shared them with my lactose-intolerant friend Bethelle and she was delighted by them. I also recommend products by Enjoy Life. Their foods taste so good it's hard to belive they are prepared without gluten, dairy, peanuts, tree-nuts, soy, egg, and casein! I especially enjoy the snickerdoodle cookies and sunbutter crunch bars.
We've also spent a discouraging amount on various creams, medicines, and supplements. Various lotions from the drug store seemed to help for awhile, and then I would flare up again. As per instruction from my doctor-nutritionist, I take a steady dose of vitamin supplements, oils, and homeopathic sulfur, all of which have showed a slow but steady improvement in my topical syptoms. I've also in the past few months been on a couple rounds of steroids and antibiotics, which got me through the most severe outbreaks. Something I've tried recently and seen improvement in a matter of days is Herbal Ed's Salve by Herb Pharm. It's a very effective natural anti-fungal. A couple months back I discovered a line of teas called Yogi, and really like the taste and results of their Skin DeTox tea. And finally, I think I'm really seeing results with a product line called Quick Relief. My mom found it, and has generously been buying their pills and spray for me. I know a lot of people would look at their website with a raised eyebrow. I was skeptical too. But the spray provides a lot of relief for itching and pain, and I've noticed a clarity to my skin since taking the twice a day dosage of pills. The cost is kind of discouraging to me, and I can't help but question why the little bottles of spray cost so much. But it is helping, and I'm grateful. As far as moisturizers go, I recommend oatmeal lotions, aloe vera, and Aquaphor (all depending on the stage of the symptoms).
Keep in mind that while exploration is valuable, having a physician to aid in your search of a cure is key. I learned this the hard way. Also, something as common as eczema can have many causes. A treatment that works for one person may not work for another, because the root cause could be different. Writing this post was just a way for me to share discoveries and keep up the mental therapy I've found through public disclosure of my struggle.
Depressing situation aside, I have discovered some products and foods that are really helpful or enjoyable.
Foodwise, it's been a tough search for baked goods I'm allowed to have. Mara refers to my allergies as a "trifecta of cooking staples" (wheat, dairy, and egg). However, I have discovered two options that cheer me immensely! Brownie mix by Cherrybrook Kitchen tastes amazing, bakes moist, and is wheat, dairy, and egg-free! I shared them with my lactose-intolerant friend Bethelle and she was delighted by them. I also recommend products by Enjoy Life. Their foods taste so good it's hard to belive they are prepared without gluten, dairy, peanuts, tree-nuts, soy, egg, and casein! I especially enjoy the snickerdoodle cookies and sunbutter crunch bars.
We've also spent a discouraging amount on various creams, medicines, and supplements. Various lotions from the drug store seemed to help for awhile, and then I would flare up again. As per instruction from my doctor-nutritionist, I take a steady dose of vitamin supplements, oils, and homeopathic sulfur, all of which have showed a slow but steady improvement in my topical syptoms. I've also in the past few months been on a couple rounds of steroids and antibiotics, which got me through the most severe outbreaks. Something I've tried recently and seen improvement in a matter of days is Herbal Ed's Salve by Herb Pharm. It's a very effective natural anti-fungal. A couple months back I discovered a line of teas called Yogi, and really like the taste and results of their Skin DeTox tea. And finally, I think I'm really seeing results with a product line called Quick Relief. My mom found it, and has generously been buying their pills and spray for me. I know a lot of people would look at their website with a raised eyebrow. I was skeptical too. But the spray provides a lot of relief for itching and pain, and I've noticed a clarity to my skin since taking the twice a day dosage of pills. The cost is kind of discouraging to me, and I can't help but question why the little bottles of spray cost so much. But it is helping, and I'm grateful. As far as moisturizers go, I recommend oatmeal lotions, aloe vera, and Aquaphor (all depending on the stage of the symptoms).
Keep in mind that while exploration is valuable, having a physician to aid in your search of a cure is key. I learned this the hard way. Also, something as common as eczema can have many causes. A treatment that works for one person may not work for another, because the root cause could be different. Writing this post was just a way for me to share discoveries and keep up the mental therapy I've found through public disclosure of my struggle.
May 14, 2010
College Awards Banquet
At the end of every spring semester, The Office of Student Life at my college hosts an awards banquet. Students are recognized for both their academic and extra-curricular achievements. Here's a few shots from the incredibly fun evening I had:
Some of my Barnstormers, and Carl (who is both my acting teacher and our club advisor)
My club VP, Mara. :-) She won Emerging Leader award and I, the Outstanding Student Leader award.
He's been such an inspiration to me, and said the sweetest, most encouraging things about me personally and our club as a whole when we were receiving our awards. It amused me that in reference to how I've grown as a person and an actress, he told the entire room, "She started out as a birthday candle and now she's a furnace!"
After all the festivities, Nathan and I wanted to celebrate and hang out for a bit. Since I'm not up for random bars, we went to Ruby Tuesdays where I enjoyed an amazing glass of Chardonnay.
I enjoyed last year's banquet, but after all the hard work and growth of this semester, I can honestly say last night was one of the best evenings of my college experience. I'm proud to know so many people who excel both academically and socially and who can enjoy celebrating each other's achievements.
May 12, 2010
Student Recital
I dreamt all semester of being invited to sing in the music department recital, and worked for weeks on "I Cain't Say No" from Oklahoma. Now it's over, and I'm so disappointed it hurts .
Yesterday at rehearsal, I knocked that song out of the park. I belted out that Broadway tune like I had always dreamed I would, and my timing and characterization were perfect. My voice teacher was so proud, and I was so excited.
Today at the recital, all my nerves jammed straight into my throat. I walked onto the stage, opened my mouth, and instead of the voice of a confident, funny, and talented star, out came the shaky voice of an off-key little girl.
When I sat down I wanted to cry. People said I did a good job, Ms Lindquist (voice teacher) said I was cute, and Carl said I shouldn't beat myself up.
But I think this is going to sting for a day or two. To make things worse, two people video taped it.
May 10, 2010
Lists [Make Everything Better]
Finals are next week! Between today and next Friday I need to complete:
- A paper for health summarizing everything we studied this semester and how it impacted me
- An extra credit paper for health about the Maryland Department of Health (I missed a lot of classes in that course and want to save my grade) [done]
- A take-home final for biology [done]
- 25 homework questions for biology [done]
- A book report for acting on "Building A Character" by Stanislavki (this was due weeks ago and Carl graciously gave me an extension) [gave up :-p]
- A historical monologue project which includes a report on a person of our choosing and an original monologue in character as that person (I think I'll be presenting as Audrey Hepburn :-)
- Perform "Cain't Say No" at the student recital [done]
- Memorize and perform "Simple Joys of Maidenhood" for my voice final
- aaaaand I feel like I'm missing something! :-\
May 9, 2010
Celebrating Moms and Pretty Towns Everywhere!
In honor of Mother's Day myself, Mom, and Bethelle (our "adopted" sister/daughter) headed to downtown Ellicott City.
(Mom and Me)
It's a charming town in Howard County, Maryland filled with little shops, cafes, antique malls, hidden parks, and old buildings. A feast for the eyes and mouth!
We dined at Cacao Lane, where I had portobello mushrooms and lump crab to eat and white zinfandel to drink. Then we oohed and ahhed over vintage treasures at Retropolitan. We had a lovely afternoon!
Achingly Soothing..
One more video for this evening! Today I was introduced to an original piece by Emilie Autumn, and fell in love.
May 6, 2010
Hypocrite!
This evening I had the amusement of watching "Grease" with my boyfriend (by HIS request). The man who mocks my love for musicals laughed and grinned his way through two hours of cliched, classic, cinematic gold. I got more enjoyment from his commentaries and infectious* bursts of laughter than I did the movie. He obviously has a man-crush on Danny Zuko and his well-fitting t-shirts, and wants a zippo lighter just like Kenickie's. Then, to further embellish his dish of hypocrisy for the evening, the man who recently bashed "Glee" in unashamed and well-written fashion pulled up Hulu and willingly caught himself up one of the latest episodes. He didn't even cringe as I danced around the kitchen singing along while making dinner.I had a fun evening. :-)
*I wish I could record Nathan's laugh and post it here for you all to understand why it makes me grin everytime I hear it. :-)
Less Like Me
"I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you"
-Numb by Linkin Park
I'm consumed by a lack of motivation. I feel as if I don't care about most of the things that in reality mean a lot to me. I don't care about studying, about being responsible, about growing, about doing right, about being my best in all things, or any of the many other things I've so well-meaningly aspired to and that used to define my reputation.
I think this comes from being consumed by a sense of self, which is undoubtedly a bad thing. I realized that all my emotional and health problems of the past several months have left me entirely focused on ME. I'm so desperate some days to not be in emotional distress or physical discomfort I expend all my energy on myself and am left with nothing to contribute to the world around me. I'm left a tired, bitchy, sorry excuse for Debbie.
And yet I'm still surrounded by family, a boyfriend, and friends who care about me and put up with me. Why? A God who never gives up on me. How? People who still believe in a better me and cheer me on. It leaves me mystified.
I want to start giving back to them because I know that when you give of yourself, you're left with beyond measure of what you need. Tonight I took the time in an evening I usually waste on myself (and Facebook :-x) to bond with a new friend by watching a favourite TV show, sharing my dairy-free ice cream, and having a heart-to-heart. It felt uncomfortable and good at the same time. It felt like a step in the right direction; the direction of the old, less-self absorbed me.
[On an ironic note, I realize that ranting and whining about one's problems perpeptuates an unhealthy sense of self. :-p Good night.]
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you"
-Numb by Linkin Park
I'm consumed by a lack of motivation. I feel as if I don't care about most of the things that in reality mean a lot to me. I don't care about studying, about being responsible, about growing, about doing right, about being my best in all things, or any of the many other things I've so well-meaningly aspired to and that used to define my reputation.
I think this comes from being consumed by a sense of self, which is undoubtedly a bad thing. I realized that all my emotional and health problems of the past several months have left me entirely focused on ME. I'm so desperate some days to not be in emotional distress or physical discomfort I expend all my energy on myself and am left with nothing to contribute to the world around me. I'm left a tired, bitchy, sorry excuse for Debbie.
And yet I'm still surrounded by family, a boyfriend, and friends who care about me and put up with me. Why? A God who never gives up on me. How? People who still believe in a better me and cheer me on. It leaves me mystified.
I want to start giving back to them because I know that when you give of yourself, you're left with beyond measure of what you need. Tonight I took the time in an evening I usually waste on myself (and Facebook :-x) to bond with a new friend by watching a favourite TV show, sharing my dairy-free ice cream, and having a heart-to-heart. It felt uncomfortable and good at the same time. It felt like a step in the right direction; the direction of the old, less-self absorbed me.
[On an ironic note, I realize that ranting and whining about one's problems perpeptuates an unhealthy sense of self. :-p Good night.]
May 2, 2010
Wrapping Up, Looking Back (Final Buried Child Post)
Nothing else topped opening night. It was a whirlwind of a weekend, with too many things and emotions going on at once...which I suppose, when you're still learning the process, is what a play is supposed to be like. Friday was our hardest show, with the cast trying desperately to catch energy we never seemed to have that evening, and on Saturday we started to get our momentum back. Sunday was a matinee and strike. My family and some friends came again to that performance, for which I am glad the cast did great and the cup I threw in act 3 actually broke in an epic fashion (which it did not on Friday and Saturday, rendering me extremely and unreasonably dissapointed). Strike (the dismantling of the set) went extremely well (compared to the last show I participated in) and all in all we were done and ready to unwind by 7pm. Nate and I never made it to the cast party due to an extremely bad rainstorm, so we ended up relaxing with a movie and popcorn at his house.
I am happy to have my evenings and time back to call my own. I'm so behind on things in my personal life and schoolwork. I learned that while I get things done under pressure, I don't exactly do so with as much grace and patience as I would like. I hate that doing a show can strain pre-existing friendships and bring out the worst in people (kind of like weddings). But I love that process of being tested as an artist and person, and I'm extremely proud of the work and dedication I saw from everyone involved.
(First two photos by Duy Do, third photo by Mark Jennys)
Through the process of putting on "Buried Child", "I Hate Hamlet" (last years play), and other recent events, Barnstormers has become a totally different organization from what it was when I started attending CCBC. It's now something in which students can learn and create theatre without any faculty involvement. It's such an exciting group accomplishtment to be recognized as such! I hope it grows and develops in new and beneficial ways when I leave it.
The theatre department at school is in the process of picking next season's shows. If all goes ideally, Carl will be directing a musical and I plan on trying out! With this being my last semester as president of Barnstormers, I am planning on significantly scaling back my involvement in extra-curricular activities in the fall. Taking on too much at once turns me into someone I don't like, and slows down my progress towards a degree. I'm very excited about a new focus and new experiences!
(And now my blog will make its return to non-theatre aspects of life. :-p)
I am happy to have my evenings and time back to call my own. I'm so behind on things in my personal life and schoolwork. I learned that while I get things done under pressure, I don't exactly do so with as much grace and patience as I would like. I hate that doing a show can strain pre-existing friendships and bring out the worst in people (kind of like weddings). But I love that process of being tested as an artist and person, and I'm extremely proud of the work and dedication I saw from everyone involved.
(First two photos by Duy Do, third photo by Mark Jennys)
Through the process of putting on "Buried Child", "I Hate Hamlet" (last years play), and other recent events, Barnstormers has become a totally different organization from what it was when I started attending CCBC. It's now something in which students can learn and create theatre without any faculty involvement. It's such an exciting group accomplishtment to be recognized as such! I hope it grows and develops in new and beneficial ways when I leave it.
The theatre department at school is in the process of picking next season's shows. If all goes ideally, Carl will be directing a musical and I plan on trying out! With this being my last semester as president of Barnstormers, I am planning on significantly scaling back my involvement in extra-curricular activities in the fall. Taking on too much at once turns me into someone I don't like, and slows down my progress towards a degree. I'm very excited about a new focus and new experiences!
(And now my blog will make its return to non-theatre aspects of life. :-p)
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