Less Like Me

"I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you"
-Numb by Linkin Park


I'm consumed by a lack of motivation.  I feel as if I don't care about most of the things that in reality mean a lot to me.  I don't care about studying, about being responsible, about growing, about doing right, about being my best in all things, or any of the many other things I've so well-meaningly aspired to and that used to define my reputation.

I think this comes from being consumed by a sense of self, which is undoubtedly a bad thing.  I realized that all my emotional and health problems of the past several months have left me entirely focused on ME.  I'm so desperate some days to not be in emotional distress or physical discomfort I expend all my energy on myself and am left with nothing to contribute to the world around me.  I'm left a tired, bitchy, sorry excuse for Debbie.

And yet I'm still surrounded by family, a boyfriend, and friends who care about me and put up with me.  Why?  A God who never gives up on me. How?  People who still believe in a better me and cheer me on.  It leaves me mystified.

I want to start giving back to them because I know that when you give of yourself, you're left with beyond measure of what you need.  Tonight I took the time in an evening I usually waste on myself (and Facebook :-x) to bond with a new friend by watching a favourite TV show, sharing my dairy-free ice cream, and having a heart-to-heart.  It felt uncomfortable and good at the same time.  It felt like a step in the right direction; the direction of the old, less-self absorbed me. 

[On an ironic note, I realize that ranting and whining about one's problems perpeptuates an unhealthy sense of self. :-p  Good night.]