Planning To Overcome

When you read this, it will be for me the last Monday morning in August and the start of a new school year!  I'm entering my third year of college (and joining the ranks of those for whom a "two-year" degree is in name only :-p) 

First up will be math class and then community chorus.  Then I will eat a lunch I've packed for myself (to save money and to avoid abundant allergens in the cafeteria), read over my brand-new assignments and class syllabi, meet up with Boyfriend, and head to the theatre club meeting.  Along the way I'm sure I will see many familiar faces in the crowded halls and lots of opportunities for new activities and interests.  That evening I will stage manage at rehearsal, and then I will go home.

As I'm writing this, it is the last Saturday morning of August and I'm both excited for and in dread of Monday morning.  I have a new purse, and new school supplies, and I already know what I want to wear. :-p  I'm determined to make new friends and enjoy things at a bit of a slower pace than last semester.  But I am dreading facing the early mornings and long days because eczema still has a heavy presence in my life.  I had to miss some work this past week because the pain and flare-ups were so bad.  Every time I prepare to leave my house, I have to give about an extra half-hour to clean, treat, and bandage my legs from knee to toe.  It's depressing and frustrating, especially when I'm doing it at an early morning hour after a night of lost sleep due to itching, cat-napping, and crying.  I'm also dreading the thought of those hallways filled with people who I imagine staring at my bandages and my scars.  Even worse is the thought of sitting next to potential new friends at a crowded table and having them scruntinize me too closely. Nowadays I only ever wear long pants or skirts, just hoping no one will notice my screaming secret.

I look back on last semester and marvel at how far I've come.  At that time the flare-ups were significantly worse and covered a majority of my body.  I went to school countless mornings crying and in pain.  Yet I maintained a 3.7 GPA, led a club, put on a play, held down a job, and cultivated a reasonably active social and dating life.  I truly attribute that strength as coming from God and my loved ones, and I know that I can get through this semester because I got through that one.  My life may be accompanied by eczema, but for as much as I can help it, it will not be defined by eczema.

It makes me uncomfortable when people blog constantly about their physical ailments, and I personally associate so much unreasonable shame with my specific situation.  But for this post,  I wanted to be completely open.  I don't need people to feel sorry for me or to know all my business.  I simply want to tear down the walls I've put up around myself.  I don't want to be alone and I don't want to alienate people, and that is exactly what I do more often than not.  I want to remind myself and others that sometimes we are so much stronger than we think we are.  I was hoping and praying so hard that I would start this school year eczema-free, and I've been disappointed.   However, my life goes on.  A bad situation will almost always get better, and even if it doesn't you will find your life can go on anyway, just in a new and braver way.

So with that, I wish myself and you a happy school/work/play day, and you can look for lots of posts about all the new things I learn and do this semester. :-)