Staring Beneath

The results of the recent allergy test, the possibility of having Celiac Disease, and my struggle with eczema have made me ponder and think about many uncomfortable things.

Beauty is not just skin deep. That's something I've always known in my head; but lately I've realised just how vain I am. I've spent months hiding my eczema beneath layers of clothing, but the change of season is making that extremely impractical and uncomfortable. Every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep, I hate what my skin looks like. I've spent months dreading trying to sleep or dress due to the physical pain the eczema inflicts. Wearing clothing that reveals my irritated and scratched-up skin in public makes me so self-conscious it inhibits my enjoyment of social situations. Lately, Nathan and my family have seen me randomly cry countless times because of how ugly I feel. I can't even believe Nathan when he tells me I'm beautiful. I keep putting off the day when I feel good about myself for the day I look down at my arms or legs and see the clear, freckled, Irish-pale skin I know God gifted me with.

But why should I keep doing that? Why should I foster such insecurity, cheat myself of so much enjoyment and love, and cling to such vanity? The most beautiful people I know are not magazine-cover worthy. They are not lovely simply for their outward appearance.

I know I won't be covered in this thing I consider so ugly forever, but more importantly, it doesn't matter what my skin looks like. Cultivating a kind heart, a receptive spirit, a joy in all things, and a hope for the newness of each dawning day are what will truly add to my life. Maybe accepting that lesson is a step toward my physical healing.