I do love roses.

For the past couple days, this song has made me want to cry: "Everything" by Stereo Fuse. Typically, I cry a lot. For various happy/sad/dumb reasons. Funny thing, in the past month I could count on one hand the amount of times I have cried, and yet logically I have more reason than ever to do so. I'm so tangled up that I'm numb, I guess. But the good thing about being tangled up is that eventually I will untie all the knots and find what my rope is made of, and where it leads to.

I used to think of myself as fairly healthy person, emotionally speaking. However, that perspective is changing slowly, in a disconcerting fashion. For instance, I'm very wrapped up in the idea of being strong, and consider being vulnerable a weakness. I have this idea that my vulnerability will get exploited. When I catch myself being open with someone, I regret it. As Shannon put it, I don't like people in my bubble. How will I have healthy relationships with that attitude? How will I appreciate people and be appreciated in return if I don't want to let people in?
Also, I'm discovering I have big issues with control. I'm bad at controlling myself, but I'm scared of being controlled by others. I guess as a Christian, my answer to this should be that only God has control and He knows best anyway. But people are instruments of control, and we all choose to wield it in some way.
I'm programmed to care for others before I care for myself. I'm finding it very hard to say nice things about myself or do things that are strictly for me, because I always find fulfillment in the affirmation and comfort of others. I have watched an example of this all my life, and it's going to be a tough thing, learning what it means to put myself first in a loving way.

*Sigh* well putting all that in my blog feels a bit weird. But I know people who love me read this and might have some advice, and if you don't love me, why are you bothering to read my business? :-p

Things of lighter vernacular:
IH2 rehearsals have started! We read through the first act on Monday, and steady Mon/Wed/Fri rehearsals start this week. I'm very pleased with everyone we cast, and I'm looking forward to a great time of hard work, getting to know the actors, and watching the show take shape. Working with Anderson is as much of a pleasure as ever, and our friendship has been deepening both through and outside the show.

After almost exactly a year, I no longer work for Execuhome Realty. The economy hit the company hard throughout the winter, and Linda was forced to let me go yesterday. I will miss having her as a boss; I don't think I could have asked for better, but besides the friendship of a few of the agents (whose numbers I have anyway) I won't miss that job. I will either work more hours for AMF, pursue a couple opportunities that have come a long recently, or just try to get by with less hours until IH2 is done in June. I'm exhausted all the time, physically and otherwise, so that might be the smartest option.

Anberlin is coming back to Baltimore!!!! I think Shannon, Jeremy, and I are going..if you're interested in joining us let me know! It's at Sonar on June 21st (a Sunday night)

I consider writing a long and thoughtful blog as having done something nice for myself. :) Now I must be getting back to homework. Enjoy the weekend!