Composer/playwright Jason Robert Brown wrote this moving and simple tribute for the victims of last week's shooting in Newtown, Connecticut: "Twenty-Six Names"
I've tried ever since Friday to avoid news coverage of the incident, but this evening I watched interviews with some first responders and the reports of proposed gun legislation and other coverage, and my mind kept going to one place. To all the little faces I've worked with, especially in the last few weeks while preparing for all the church Christmas musicals and concerts. Six and seven-years-old are such tiny, precious ages.
My mind can't grasp the horror and the sadness. I guess that's why I appreciate J.R.B.'s simple and heartfelt musical cry on behalf of us all.
Showing posts with label feeling icky. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feeling icky. Show all posts
December 18, 2012
September 29, 2012
Exeunt.
I have seen death enter in the winter of life many times, and I have seen it steal life in its dawning days as well. No matter the age or circumstances, meeting death has always left me feeling confused, angry, guilty, and other numerous combinations of negative emotions one can think of. I'm sure the same can be said for many of you reading this; I don't claim any especial attention or sympathy for saying so.
I say it because death has entered my life in a completely new way, and this time I don't quite know how to meet or speak of it.
Several days ago a friend of mine reached out and took death by the hand. By his own wish he left us forever.
He will never know how the little room at a funeral home overflowed today with people who cared for him, or how many more who couldn't be there were thinking of him. He will never again share the spotlight of the stage with me, or take me out for coffee, or surprise me with some droll joke brimming from his philosophic mind.
I just don't understand how the world can keep turning like nothing tragic has happened, but the truth is, it does. May we one day understand, and regardless of understanding, may we all love each other a little harder than before.
I say it because death has entered my life in a completely new way, and this time I don't quite know how to meet or speak of it.
Several days ago a friend of mine reached out and took death by the hand. By his own wish he left us forever.
He will never know how the little room at a funeral home overflowed today with people who cared for him, or how many more who couldn't be there were thinking of him. He will never again share the spotlight of the stage with me, or take me out for coffee, or surprise me with some droll joke brimming from his philosophic mind.
I just don't understand how the world can keep turning like nothing tragic has happened, but the truth is, it does. May we one day understand, and regardless of understanding, may we all love each other a little harder than before.
June 25, 2012
No More Stalling
Tonight I will be attending a weekly gathering at my church that is a support group of sorts for spiritual and emotional struggles. A member of my family has been participating in and benefiting from this ministry for a long time. Even after realizing that I am nursing some deep struggles that I am confused about, I was in denial that I should visit and be open to possibilities and healing.
But tonight I take that step, even though I am embarrassed and nervous and unsure. It's even slightly embarrassing to be blogging about this, but I need more accountability in my life (another reason I decided to go).
Has anyone reading this ever done something you were nervous or embarrassed to do, and then experienced positive things from it?
But tonight I take that step, even though I am embarrassed and nervous and unsure. It's even slightly embarrassing to be blogging about this, but I need more accountability in my life (another reason I decided to go).
Has anyone reading this ever done something you were nervous or embarrassed to do, and then experienced positive things from it?
February 15, 2012
February Woes
Happy February! The show is going well, wedding planning has slowed, and I already feel behind in all my classes.
I'm trying to pull an all-nighter so I no longer have to feel behind on everything and surrounded by disorganization all the time. Every night I do the rehearsal report and try to do homework, but usually feel unmotivated. Stress of work, school, and engagement has hit Nathan and I pretty hard, and that has been somewhat of a distraction.
Anything worth having is not easily got. I'll work to stay focused on building healthy relationships, and having a successful graduation semester.
I'm trying to pull an all-nighter so I no longer have to feel behind on everything and surrounded by disorganization all the time. Every night I do the rehearsal report and try to do homework, but usually feel unmotivated. Stress of work, school, and engagement has hit Nathan and I pretty hard, and that has been somewhat of a distraction.
Anything worth having is not easily got. I'll work to stay focused on building healthy relationships, and having a successful graduation semester.
August 15, 2011
An Intermission
I know that I once quoted myself as saying "
'Hiatus is a slow and painful death.' ", but I just spent the last few
minutes writing a paragraph telling you I'm taking a break from blogging (and
then deleted it). Despite the double-quote contradiction (:-p), I am
indeed taking a break. I love
blogging, but I haven't enjoyed it lately. I have a lot on my mind, and
this summer's writing has felt like a broken record. Thanks for being a
member of the small audience who for one reason or another takes an interest in
my life. If you'd like to continue to do so, you can check back in a few
weeks.
 |
| weheartit.com |
My twitter will still be in use and open tweets can be found here.
August 11, 2011
Doggy Days
My doggy care dictated me to be awake over an hour ago, and means I now have time to blog before work! Shocking, right?
Once I got into a groove for this week, I've loved [almost] every minute. It's no new thing to care for all my own needs and make my own schedule, but it's a new and exciting thing to do it without someone looking over my shoulder. Can any 20somethings who still live with mom and dad relate? :-p
We did have a few worrisome moments a few evenings ago, involving the puppy eating medicine that was not intended for her. After a call to the vet, the acquisition of some Hydrogen Pyroxide, and a few tears (mine) she was right as rain again. I thought I was going to be sick when I watched her throw up all the medicine, and thankfully Boyfriend was over for dinner and cleaned it up. (Sorry hun.)
Theatre technician duties started this week, and it's all just as frustrating as I thought it would be. I'm insecure about my lack of knowledge and abilities and worried I won't learn quickly enough. Also, adjusting to my boyfriend turned co-worker relationship is a bit awkward at times; though thankfully we've been great about talking any concerns through at the end of the day. This week is a low maintenance event (a dance show put on by campers) but it's also very rushed. Today we have two rehearsals and then an evening performance.
Tomorrow my long weekend starts!
Once I got into a groove for this week, I've loved [almost] every minute. It's no new thing to care for all my own needs and make my own schedule, but it's a new and exciting thing to do it without someone looking over my shoulder. Can any 20somethings who still live with mom and dad relate? :-p
We did have a few worrisome moments a few evenings ago, involving the puppy eating medicine that was not intended for her. After a call to the vet, the acquisition of some Hydrogen Pyroxide, and a few tears (mine) she was right as rain again. I thought I was going to be sick when I watched her throw up all the medicine, and thankfully Boyfriend was over for dinner and cleaned it up. (Sorry hun.)
Theatre technician duties started this week, and it's all just as frustrating as I thought it would be. I'm insecure about my lack of knowledge and abilities and worried I won't learn quickly enough. Also, adjusting to my boyfriend turned co-worker relationship is a bit awkward at times; though thankfully we've been great about talking any concerns through at the end of the day. This week is a low maintenance event (a dance show put on by campers) but it's also very rushed. Today we have two rehearsals and then an evening performance.
Tomorrow my long weekend starts!
March 1, 2011
Going Batty: So Little Time
We are two weeks from tech, three weeks from open, and so, so much has yet to be done. Choreography, set building, lines, and music are all behind schedule due to all kinds of reasons on the part of both the faculty and actors. It's terrifying, especially because tomorrow we're running through the show from beginning to end for the first time, and it'll be in front of the production team.
While preparing us for tomorrow Carl said something I thought was very valuable. Outside the context it's a good life truth: when we remove our ego from a project, man's opinion has no power over us. So do your best and don't let criticism bring you down.
I know that miracles can and will happen in the next three weeks to bring together our final project. I know it because I've seen miracles happen in 24 hours that saved a show.
I've really enjoyed what we've accomplished so far. Being in a rock opera is a fun vocal experience, and the twisted themes, images, and characters of "Bat Boy" make it interesting to work on. I was admittedly not excited about the show when I first read the script, but our work and Carl's direction is bringing to life something I appreciate in spite of the show's uncomfortable level of weirdness. I've worked the most on Daisy, who is an uptight, fastidious schoolteacher with a hick accent. My recent inspiration for her is Dana Carvey's "Church Lady"skits.
We finished blocking a shadow play scene, and the physical work I get to do in it as Young Meredith is so neat! (Bizzare, but neat. In what other show would I be laying on my back on a human table while scream-singing "Kill it! Kill it! KIILLLLL IITTT!"?) Also, the musical director has allowed me to tap into my high singing range, and given me some soprano parts to sing that I'm excited about.
Oh, did I mention that midterms and tech week will be simultaneous? *sigh* Acting is demanding, academics are demanding, and choosing to put the two together is just being a glutton for punishment. :-p
While preparing us for tomorrow Carl said something I thought was very valuable. Outside the context it's a good life truth: when we remove our ego from a project, man's opinion has no power over us. So do your best and don't let criticism bring you down.
I know that miracles can and will happen in the next three weeks to bring together our final project. I know it because I've seen miracles happen in 24 hours that saved a show.
I've really enjoyed what we've accomplished so far. Being in a rock opera is a fun vocal experience, and the twisted themes, images, and characters of "Bat Boy" make it interesting to work on. I was admittedly not excited about the show when I first read the script, but our work and Carl's direction is bringing to life something I appreciate in spite of the show's uncomfortable level of weirdness. I've worked the most on Daisy, who is an uptight, fastidious schoolteacher with a hick accent. My recent inspiration for her is Dana Carvey's "Church Lady"skits.
We finished blocking a shadow play scene, and the physical work I get to do in it as Young Meredith is so neat! (Bizzare, but neat. In what other show would I be laying on my back on a human table while scream-singing "Kill it! Kill it! KIILLLLL IITTT!"?) Also, the musical director has allowed me to tap into my high singing range, and given me some soprano parts to sing that I'm excited about.
Oh, did I mention that midterms and tech week will be simultaneous? *sigh* Acting is demanding, academics are demanding, and choosing to put the two together is just being a glutton for punishment. :-p
December 21, 2010
More Than Optimism
The album this song is from never fails to soothe my heart when it's aching. Tonight this particular song reminded me of everything I believe and need to remember. It reminded me to not give up.
December 13, 2010
Holidays At Home
I have officially gone from getting sick to being sick. :-( But today was very nice. After an extremely busy week, it was nice to go to church, nap, cook, decorate, and laze about. Now I'm uploading a video of my concert to youtube, and watching "Mrs Santa Claus" with my mom and brother.
 |
| Christmas worship service at church |
 |
| Our manger scene |
August 30, 2010
Planning To Overcome
When you read this, it will be for me the last Monday morning in August and the start of a new school year! I'm entering my third year of college (and joining the ranks of those for whom a "two-year" degree is in name only :-p)
First up will be math class and then community chorus. Then I will eat a lunch I've packed for myself (to save money and to avoid abundant allergens in the cafeteria), read over my brand-new assignments and class syllabi, meet up with Boyfriend, and head to the theatre club meeting. Along the way I'm sure I will see many familiar faces in the crowded halls and lots of opportunities for new activities and interests. That evening I will stage manage at rehearsal, and then I will go home.
As I'm writing this, it is the last Saturday morning of August and I'm both excited for and in dread of Monday morning. I have a new purse, and new school supplies, and I already know what I want to wear. :-p I'm determined to make new friends and enjoy things at a bit of a slower pace than last semester. But I am dreading facing the early mornings and long days because eczema still has a heavy presence in my life. I had to miss some work this past week because the pain and flare-ups were so bad. Every time I prepare to leave my house, I have to give about an extra half-hour to clean, treat, and bandage my legs from knee to toe. It's depressing and frustrating, especially when I'm doing it at an early morning hour after a night of lost sleep due to itching, cat-napping, and crying. I'm also dreading the thought of those hallways filled with people who I imagine staring at my bandages and my scars. Even worse is the thought of sitting next to potential new friends at a crowded table and having them scruntinize me too closely. Nowadays I only ever wear long pants or skirts, just hoping no one will notice my screaming secret.
I look back on last semester and marvel at how far I've come. At that time the flare-ups were significantly worse and covered a majority of my body. I went to school countless mornings crying and in pain. Yet I maintained a 3.7 GPA, led a club, put on a play, held down a job, and cultivated a reasonably active social and dating life. I truly attribute that strength as coming from God and my loved ones, and I know that I can get through this semester because I got through that one. My life may be accompanied by eczema, but for as much as I can help it, it will not be defined by eczema.
It makes me uncomfortable when people blog constantly about their physical ailments, and I personally associate so much unreasonable shame with my specific situation. But for this post, I wanted to be completely open. I don't need people to feel sorry for me or to know all my business. I simply want to tear down the walls I've put up around myself. I don't want to be alone and I don't want to alienate people, and that is exactly what I do more often than not. I want to remind myself and others that sometimes we are so much stronger than we think we are. I was hoping and praying so hard that I would start this school year eczema-free, and I've been disappointed. However, my life goes on. A bad situation will almost always get better, and even if it doesn't you will find your life can go on anyway, just in a new and braver way.
So with that, I wish myself and you a happy school/work/play day, and you can look for lots of posts about all the new things I learn and do this semester. :-)
First up will be math class and then community chorus. Then I will eat a lunch I've packed for myself (to save money and to avoid abundant allergens in the cafeteria), read over my brand-new assignments and class syllabi, meet up with Boyfriend, and head to the theatre club meeting. Along the way I'm sure I will see many familiar faces in the crowded halls and lots of opportunities for new activities and interests. That evening I will stage manage at rehearsal, and then I will go home.
As I'm writing this, it is the last Saturday morning of August and I'm both excited for and in dread of Monday morning. I have a new purse, and new school supplies, and I already know what I want to wear. :-p I'm determined to make new friends and enjoy things at a bit of a slower pace than last semester. But I am dreading facing the early mornings and long days because eczema still has a heavy presence in my life. I had to miss some work this past week because the pain and flare-ups were so bad. Every time I prepare to leave my house, I have to give about an extra half-hour to clean, treat, and bandage my legs from knee to toe. It's depressing and frustrating, especially when I'm doing it at an early morning hour after a night of lost sleep due to itching, cat-napping, and crying. I'm also dreading the thought of those hallways filled with people who I imagine staring at my bandages and my scars. Even worse is the thought of sitting next to potential new friends at a crowded table and having them scruntinize me too closely. Nowadays I only ever wear long pants or skirts, just hoping no one will notice my screaming secret.
I look back on last semester and marvel at how far I've come. At that time the flare-ups were significantly worse and covered a majority of my body. I went to school countless mornings crying and in pain. Yet I maintained a 3.7 GPA, led a club, put on a play, held down a job, and cultivated a reasonably active social and dating life. I truly attribute that strength as coming from God and my loved ones, and I know that I can get through this semester because I got through that one. My life may be accompanied by eczema, but for as much as I can help it, it will not be defined by eczema.
It makes me uncomfortable when people blog constantly about their physical ailments, and I personally associate so much unreasonable shame with my specific situation. But for this post, I wanted to be completely open. I don't need people to feel sorry for me or to know all my business. I simply want to tear down the walls I've put up around myself. I don't want to be alone and I don't want to alienate people, and that is exactly what I do more often than not. I want to remind myself and others that sometimes we are so much stronger than we think we are. I was hoping and praying so hard that I would start this school year eczema-free, and I've been disappointed. However, my life goes on. A bad situation will almost always get better, and even if it doesn't you will find your life can go on anyway, just in a new and braver way.
So with that, I wish myself and you a happy school/work/play day, and you can look for lots of posts about all the new things I learn and do this semester. :-)
July 13, 2010
New Ventures
I'm completely sleep deprived...I need to leave for work in less than two hours, and am looking forward to later this afternoon when I will be free to try visiting the inside of my eyelids again!
Most of my recent posts have not really been about my life, so here's a little catch-up!
~Most blood tests (this time an endomysial antibody test) came back negative (meaning I probably don't have gluten damage in my small intestine). At this time, I've taken most of the hallmark Celiac tests and tested negative on them all. :-) Here's to hoping my gluten-intolerance will not be permanent. I have a doctors visit today for a consultation about my skin issues.
~As of Sunday, I became a mark. representative! When I get my online store launched I will have more details about my new business. I am so very excited, especially since I already have my first sale! And you can bet I'll use the products for some give-aways here on my blog!
~I'm signed up for my next theatre production! My new role is- stage manager! Barnstormers is having a one-act night to kick off the fall semester, and I will be learning the ropes as stage manager for the mini production. I'm so excited to learn more about things from a backstage perspective.
~My brother was away with a group from his church on his very first missions trip last week, and I missed him a lot. I was so surprised when he called my cell late Wednesday night, and delighted as he talked my ear off about how much he was learning, the fun he was having, and the awe and love he was developing for God. Since he has returned home his demeanor has been more calm, confident, and mature. It excites me to see him grow and learn new things, especially since I remember having some of the same experiences at his age.
~I had a great time babysitting/petsitting/housesitting last weekend. The children were perfectly behaved and I got to share the job with my best friend. Unfortunately both BFF and one of the kids got sick, so that was icky to deal with, but all in all we got through fine, and I made some much-needed extra cash. This week I'm earning more dough by checking up on a kitten and a chinchilla every day (Note: Chinchillas are only awesome for their fur. In living state, they are a bit gross, IMO).
Now I is off to the office. It's storming a lot here today, and while I love big storms I am hoping the rain holds off long enough to get from house to car to work.
Most of my recent posts have not really been about my life, so here's a little catch-up!
~Most blood tests (this time an endomysial antibody test) came back negative (meaning I probably don't have gluten damage in my small intestine). At this time, I've taken most of the hallmark Celiac tests and tested negative on them all. :-) Here's to hoping my gluten-intolerance will not be permanent. I have a doctors visit today for a consultation about my skin issues.
~As of Sunday, I became a mark. representative! When I get my online store launched I will have more details about my new business. I am so very excited, especially since I already have my first sale! And you can bet I'll use the products for some give-aways here on my blog!
~I'm signed up for my next theatre production! My new role is- stage manager! Barnstormers is having a one-act night to kick off the fall semester, and I will be learning the ropes as stage manager for the mini production. I'm so excited to learn more about things from a backstage perspective.
~My brother was away with a group from his church on his very first missions trip last week, and I missed him a lot. I was so surprised when he called my cell late Wednesday night, and delighted as he talked my ear off about how much he was learning, the fun he was having, and the awe and love he was developing for God. Since he has returned home his demeanor has been more calm, confident, and mature. It excites me to see him grow and learn new things, especially since I remember having some of the same experiences at his age.
~I had a great time babysitting/petsitting/housesitting last weekend. The children were perfectly behaved and I got to share the job with my best friend. Unfortunately both BFF and one of the kids got sick, so that was icky to deal with, but all in all we got through fine, and I made some much-needed extra cash. This week I'm earning more dough by checking up on a kitten and a chinchilla every day (Note: Chinchillas are only awesome for their fur. In living state, they are a bit gross, IMO).
Now I is off to the office. It's storming a lot here today, and while I love big storms I am hoping the rain holds off long enough to get from house to car to work.
July 8, 2010
Thinking List
Currently On My Mind:
-Class registration. First I feel like I have too small of a credit load for the fall, then I add a class and freak out because I feel like I have too much.
-Earning money. God has blessed me with two extra odd job opportunities and up-coming larger than usual paycheck. I need to save like crazy as much as I can before school starts.
-Finding health insurance. Turns out that giving your information to ehealthinsurance.com renders not just a free estimate to peruse at your leisure. It also means your phone will ring off the hook all week long with calls from insurance brokers.
-My general health. I'm sick of the constant back-and-forth battle of healing my skin, eating enough, sleeping properly, and avoiding being near-suicidally depressed.
-Marriage. I did everything backwards. When I was ages 18 to 21 I could not wait to convince the guy I was dating to marry me. Now I'm almost 24 and dating a wonderful guy, but at times deeply frightened by the thought of life-long commitment (to him or anyone).
-Hating how empty my summer feels without the work of the youth conference I helped to run for three summers in a row. Also missing the community, the love, and the excitement that the conference brought to my life.
These are really heavy things that could each be a blog post to themselves. Listing them briefly just brings coherency to how I feel at the moment. :-\
Today and tomorrow I'm house sitting and babysitting (one of the odd jobs). Have a great weekend guys! <3
-Class registration. First I feel like I have too small of a credit load for the fall, then I add a class and freak out because I feel like I have too much.
-Earning money. God has blessed me with two extra odd job opportunities and up-coming larger than usual paycheck. I need to save like crazy as much as I can before school starts.
-Finding health insurance. Turns out that giving your information to ehealthinsurance.com renders not just a free estimate to peruse at your leisure. It also means your phone will ring off the hook all week long with calls from insurance brokers.
-My general health. I'm sick of the constant back-and-forth battle of healing my skin, eating enough, sleeping properly, and avoiding being near-suicidally depressed.
-Marriage. I did everything backwards. When I was ages 18 to 21 I could not wait to convince the guy I was dating to marry me. Now I'm almost 24 and dating a wonderful guy, but at times deeply frightened by the thought of life-long commitment (to him or anyone).
-Hating how empty my summer feels without the work of the youth conference I helped to run for three summers in a row. Also missing the community, the love, and the excitement that the conference brought to my life.
These are really heavy things that could each be a blog post to themselves. Listing them briefly just brings coherency to how I feel at the moment. :-\
Today and tomorrow I'm house sitting and babysitting (one of the odd jobs). Have a great weekend guys! <3
July 4, 2010
Fireworks and Other Stuff
*squeals* I love, love, love fireworks! They are one of my favourite things about summer, and probably what makes the 4th of July my favourite holiday.
"It's the Catonsville lovefest out here!"
"Yeah, we got ourselves some Woodstock action!"
Since we were in no way being inappropriate, we quietly giggled, ignoring them, and stayed as we were.
Tomorrow I am attending a cook-out at the home of some of Nathan's relatives, and meeting his extended family for the first time. I'm a little nervous.
Now it's past due time to try to sleep, which I am also nervous about. I'm experiencing some withdrawal from the steroid I was temporarily on, and my eczema is flaring up. Keep me in your prayers. I felt so awesome for two weeks, and I'm disappointed and depressed at the thought of going backwards from the progress I was making.
Happy 4th of July!
P.S. My first-ever guest post debuted on Nathan's blog today! Do Your Thing was written for Arts Appreciation Month.
June 22, 2010
My Promise To My Life
I don't know if it's just me, or if it's a law of life- but as soon as I get a break, as soon as the famine of happiness ceases, something sh*tty happens again. It's usually (though not always) through fault of my own that a wave of peace I'm riding crashes apart around me. OK, sorry- enough whining dressed with strained eloquence.
I had a marvelous weekend. I slept, read scripts, accomplished things, drank delicious coffee, ate yummy and healthy food, and saw people at my leisure. Every day my skin has been healing more and every night I sleep a bit better. Monday was definitely nice. I spent the entire day catching up with Shannon; we lunched and ran errands and I was totally feeling like my old self. In the evening her boyfriend asked us if we wanted to see a movie and get dinner beforehand. Dinner was got at Ruby Tuesday, formerly one of my favourite places to eat. Going gluten-free and part vegan has made me realize how unhealthy their menu is. Fortunately I had stopped at home to take medicine and eat dinner, so I simply ordered some fries and a coke. Well, my friends had an appetizer sampler, and finding it very hard to resist, I took a piece of fried chicken that I swear was no bigger than my pinky finger, picked [most] of the batter off, dipped it barely in honey mustard, and ate it. BIG MISTAKE. My doctor told me no "cheats" on my diet should be allowed. I just read the other day how half a teaspoon's worth of sauce containing gluten made a Celiac's sufferer sick for three days. Not 30 minutes had gone by before I was aware of several little sores that are trying to heal, I was generally itchy and antsy, and I felt depressed and nervous. Throughout the movie I fidgeted constantly, telling myself it was all in my head. Last night and this morning proved me wrong, and I feel confident in saying I am amazed and sobered by how delicate balancing this disorder is.
In addition to feeling physically unwell at the end of my otherwise great day, I came home to end up talking to a very cranky boyfriend, said things I shouldn't have, and etc. etc. and so on throughout a partly sleepless night. Wonderful.
This morning I awoke on time, took my prescriptions (that I am extremely grateful I still have plenty of), endured three trips in one hour to use the toilet, cursed the fact that it once again hurts to shower, put on a cute outfit, and went to work with a smile. As I was styling my hair (taking the time to look nice is part of my mental coping these days) I thought about how I don't want to be brought down by this plant germ, this protein, this "silent killer" as some name it, called gluten.
June 10, 2010
Retained
Some people, and the memories that go with them, are like a large body of water in a dam. Sometimes that dam is just waiting to burst.
How does the dam burst?
"No...stay away..please don't come back.."
"God, I miss you..and hate you...please, please go away.."
And by that point, there's no stopping the water. I'm helpless as it wills itself against my pleas to be left in peace. The geysers burst and the pieces fall and I will be carried in the waves until they have run their course. I will be tossed and bruised by the crashing memories of our words and looks and actions as they batter their watery fierceness against my being.
Eventually, the water will drain away. The effect of those memories will seep away into so many little corners and inlets. Soaked and exhausted, I pick myself up. Then I'll rebuild the dam. I'll hole up my heart and pray to be stronger, to care less, to swim faster next time.
Waiting to drown me.
Waiting to wash away everything I worked so hard to build on the other side of the wall.
Waiting to shut out the world because when the water washes over me I can't breath, or see, or think. I can only float, helpless, carried by the memories and the joy and the pain and every damned thing that was supposed to stay...dammed. :-p
How does the dam burst?
First little pieces of it fall away. A song...a smell...walking past a familiar spot that once held so much joy. Chip..chink...the pieces fall and float towards me...
"No...stay away..please don't come back.."
The water starts to drip..then trickle. What was the last conversation we had in that spot? What did I feel as the goodbye touch caressed my skin? The water flows faster as the entire scene replays in my head...
"God, I miss you..and hate you...please, please go away.."
And by that point, there's no stopping the water. I'm helpless as it wills itself against my pleas to be left in peace. The geysers burst and the pieces fall and I will be carried in the waves until they have run their course. I will be tossed and bruised by the crashing memories of our words and looks and actions as they batter their watery fierceness against my being.
Eventually, the water will drain away. The effect of those memories will seep away into so many little corners and inlets. Soaked and exhausted, I pick myself up. Then I'll rebuild the dam. I'll hole up my heart and pray to be stronger, to care less, to swim faster next time.
June 3, 2010
Trying
I've hardly slept in two days. I've seen two different doctors today. I'm getting bloodwork done next week which will confirm or deny a Celiac's Disease diagnosis, and also additional bloodwork for hyperthyroidism testing. I finally a name for the type of eczema I have, and an explanation for why I continually develop infections on my legs and arms. I feel guilty as I watch my mother spend more and more money on my treatments and dietary needs. I dread seeing people, and don't bother unless absolutely necessary to leave my house. I met a compassionate angel in the form of an urgent care nurse. I was reminded that I have incredibly thoughtful and nonjudgemental friends. I know that knowledge is power, even when it's scary. I am trying to believe that hell on earth doesn't last forever, that things could always be worse, and that I am courageous and beautiful.
May 30, 2010
My Head Is Giving Me Life Or Death
This song is one of my favourites, and it fits my current mood. Plus, this video is kinda epic.
May 16, 2010
Food and Supplement Reviews
Over the past several months, it's discouraging to think how much money and time I (and my parents) have spent on supplements, creams, foods, and doctor bills to get my eczema and food allergies until control. I read in a New York Times article that the financial and emotional burdens inflicted upon a family with a child suffering from eczema are more severe than that of a child with type 2 diabetes. I don't know much about the burden of diabetes, but I wouldn't argue that my health situation has been an overwhelming struggle.
Depressing situation aside, I have discovered some products and foods that are really helpful or enjoyable.
Foodwise, it's been a tough search for baked goods I'm allowed to have. Mara refers to my allergies as a "trifecta of cooking staples" (wheat, dairy, and egg). However, I have discovered two options that cheer me immensely! Brownie mix by Cherrybrook Kitchen tastes amazing, bakes moist, and is wheat, dairy, and egg-free! I shared them with my lactose-intolerant friend Bethelle and she was delighted by them. I also recommend products by Enjoy Life. Their foods taste so good it's hard to belive they are prepared without gluten, dairy, peanuts, tree-nuts, soy, egg, and casein! I especially enjoy the snickerdoodle cookies and sunbutter crunch bars.
We've also spent a discouraging amount on various creams, medicines, and supplements. Various lotions from the drug store seemed to help for awhile, and then I would flare up again. As per instruction from my doctor-nutritionist, I take a steady dose of vitamin supplements, oils, and homeopathic sulfur, all of which have showed a slow but steady improvement in my topical syptoms. I've also in the past few months been on a couple rounds of steroids and antibiotics, which got me through the most severe outbreaks. Something I've tried recently and seen improvement in a matter of days is Herbal Ed's Salve by Herb Pharm. It's a very effective natural anti-fungal. A couple months back I discovered a line of teas called Yogi, and really like the taste and results of their Skin DeTox tea. And finally, I think I'm really seeing results with a product line called Quick Relief. My mom found it, and has generously been buying their pills and spray for me. I know a lot of people would look at their website with a raised eyebrow. I was skeptical too. But the spray provides a lot of relief for itching and pain, and I've noticed a clarity to my skin since taking the twice a day dosage of pills. The cost is kind of discouraging to me, and I can't help but question why the little bottles of spray cost so much. But it is helping, and I'm grateful. As far as moisturizers go, I recommend oatmeal lotions, aloe vera, and Aquaphor (all depending on the stage of the symptoms).
Keep in mind that while exploration is valuable, having a physician to aid in your search of a cure is key. I learned this the hard way. Also, something as common as eczema can have many causes. A treatment that works for one person may not work for another, because the root cause could be different. Writing this post was just a way for me to share discoveries and keep up the mental therapy I've found through public disclosure of my struggle.
Depressing situation aside, I have discovered some products and foods that are really helpful or enjoyable.
Foodwise, it's been a tough search for baked goods I'm allowed to have. Mara refers to my allergies as a "trifecta of cooking staples" (wheat, dairy, and egg). However, I have discovered two options that cheer me immensely! Brownie mix by Cherrybrook Kitchen tastes amazing, bakes moist, and is wheat, dairy, and egg-free! I shared them with my lactose-intolerant friend Bethelle and she was delighted by them. I also recommend products by Enjoy Life. Their foods taste so good it's hard to belive they are prepared without gluten, dairy, peanuts, tree-nuts, soy, egg, and casein! I especially enjoy the snickerdoodle cookies and sunbutter crunch bars.
We've also spent a discouraging amount on various creams, medicines, and supplements. Various lotions from the drug store seemed to help for awhile, and then I would flare up again. As per instruction from my doctor-nutritionist, I take a steady dose of vitamin supplements, oils, and homeopathic sulfur, all of which have showed a slow but steady improvement in my topical syptoms. I've also in the past few months been on a couple rounds of steroids and antibiotics, which got me through the most severe outbreaks. Something I've tried recently and seen improvement in a matter of days is Herbal Ed's Salve by Herb Pharm. It's a very effective natural anti-fungal. A couple months back I discovered a line of teas called Yogi, and really like the taste and results of their Skin DeTox tea. And finally, I think I'm really seeing results with a product line called Quick Relief. My mom found it, and has generously been buying their pills and spray for me. I know a lot of people would look at their website with a raised eyebrow. I was skeptical too. But the spray provides a lot of relief for itching and pain, and I've noticed a clarity to my skin since taking the twice a day dosage of pills. The cost is kind of discouraging to me, and I can't help but question why the little bottles of spray cost so much. But it is helping, and I'm grateful. As far as moisturizers go, I recommend oatmeal lotions, aloe vera, and Aquaphor (all depending on the stage of the symptoms).
Keep in mind that while exploration is valuable, having a physician to aid in your search of a cure is key. I learned this the hard way. Also, something as common as eczema can have many causes. A treatment that works for one person may not work for another, because the root cause could be different. Writing this post was just a way for me to share discoveries and keep up the mental therapy I've found through public disclosure of my struggle.
April 2, 2010
Staring Beneath
The results of the recent allergy test, the possibility of having Celiac Disease, and my struggle with eczema have made me ponder and think about many uncomfortable things.
Beauty is not just skin deep. That's something I've always known in my head; but lately I've realised just how vain I am. I've spent months hiding my eczema beneath layers of clothing, but the change of season is making that extremely impractical and uncomfortable. Every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep, I hate what my skin looks like. I've spent months dreading trying to sleep or dress due to the physical pain the eczema inflicts. Wearing clothing that reveals my irritated and scratched-up skin in public makes me so self-conscious it inhibits my enjoyment of social situations. Lately, Nathan and my family have seen me randomly cry countless times because of how ugly I feel. I can't even believe Nathan when he tells me I'm beautiful. I keep putting off the day when I feel good about myself for the day I look down at my arms or legs and see the clear, freckled, Irish-pale skin I know God gifted me with.
But why should I keep doing that? Why should I foster such insecurity, cheat myself of so much enjoyment and love, and cling to such vanity? The most beautiful people I know are not magazine-cover worthy. They are not lovely simply for their outward appearance.
I know I won't be covered in this thing I consider so ugly forever, but more importantly, it doesn't matter what my skin looks like. Cultivating a kind heart, a receptive spirit, a joy in all things, and a hope for the newness of each dawning day are what will truly add to my life. Maybe accepting that lesson is a step toward my physical healing.
February 24, 2010
Sick of being Adelaide
Thank you for the prayers, advice, and sweet words on my last post. I'm still in a very rough place right now and not in a position to say much about it.
I'm single again. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm sorry. I'm scared. I'm brave. I'm honest. I'm stubborn. I'm ready for anything and sick of everything. The only thing getting me through is the belief that something important is around the corner; something I've been running from and should have embraced long ago.
I'm pretty sure that something is myself.
"You keep giving me signs that you think I wanna see
But you're nothing like you seem
Hide behind your half smile
But the truth is so undeniable
Sh sh shouldn't need anyone
Shouldn't need anyone
Just scared of being alone
But by the time you figure this out
And I'm already gone"
-Adelaide by Anberlin
I'm single again. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm sorry. I'm scared. I'm brave. I'm honest. I'm stubborn. I'm ready for anything and sick of everything. The only thing getting me through is the belief that something important is around the corner; something I've been running from and should have embraced long ago.
I'm pretty sure that something is myself.
"You keep giving me signs that you think I wanna see
But you're nothing like you seem
Hide behind your half smile
But the truth is so undeniable
Sh sh shouldn't need anyone
Shouldn't need anyone
Just scared of being alone
But by the time you figure this out
And I'm already gone"
-Adelaide by Anberlin
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)